I

I was born the day the aliens landed. You probably saw the footage on CNN, the one everybody has seen of the one guy’s grainy cell phone video running all Blair Witch through Central Park, past people screaming and running the other way, towards this enormous bank of bluish fog, and then right as he rounds a corner this huge fucking spindly limbed thing rounds the same corner and the two crash headlong into one another. It would have been hilarious if it were just two guys, but when one of the guys is an alien it sort of changes the vibe. I keep wondering how it’s possible a huge fucking space ship landed in Central Park and not one guy with a decent recording device was anywhere in the area. Even the vagrants have good media these days. It’s a good thing this guy was there, though, since the Alien immediately starts to gibber at the guy furiously, like “Dude, what the fuck, I’m running here!” And you got to give the guy credit, he didn’t back down at all, starts gibbering back at the Alien, giving as good as he gets, all “Where’s Elvis, man, and Michael? Send them home, we need those guys!”

It wasn’t until later, when the blue fog had merged into the rest of the shit which passes for air in New York City, and nothing else had come out of the ship for like a week, that we decided to go into the ship to see what was up, and found nearly ten thousand Alien corpses, all lying neatly in frozen coffins. You wouldn’t have believed the talking heads when they got wind of that. Alien Mass Murderer Loose In Manhattan, and Alien Death Cult, Are We Next? Classic New York media. The city stayed pretty calm, for the most part. A few folks got carried away and started looting and shit, but the only thing anyone really remembers now is that the birth rate enjoyed a nice little bump nine months after. I guess when it’s looking like the end of the world, it’s time to get busy.

One more thing you should probably know – the day the Alien landed was also the day it died.